How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
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Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.