CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
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I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON