*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
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My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.