Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
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Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
this has done me in for some reason
i overpaid one of my credit cards by $20, and now they keep tryna send me cheques and begging me to cash it cause now THEY owe ME interest. I don’t think so queen, let’s see how YOU like it
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Legend 🤣🤣
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.