As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
You Might Also Like
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Kermit goes Blue.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché