15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
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13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
finally
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.