Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
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I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
You guys know your secrets are safe with me. It’s the people I share them with you can’t trust.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…