commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
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the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Dyslexics are teople poo!
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE