I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
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STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.