My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
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[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.