i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
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I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here