Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
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I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.