Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
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911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
*sewing*
A thread
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.