When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
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How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Called it
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory