me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
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This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.