I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
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Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok