What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
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Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”