Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
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My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter