me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
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I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?