Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
You Might Also Like
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.
Nerys is a dachshund.
This Tweet from @gnuman1979 has been withheld in response to a report from the copyright holder. Learn more.
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”