“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
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Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
No Google it does not
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.