I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
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*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game