Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
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Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
How do you like your Corgi?
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls