“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
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Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!