Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
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*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.