There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
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“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Never forget.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
had to make it
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room