[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
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The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.