My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
You Might Also Like
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Finished stitching this today 😇
peeping toms
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
Some of y’all tomorrow …
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti