My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
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I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.