Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
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ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.