[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
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October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
this is 10/10 content no notes
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,