My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
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Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids