You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
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A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
Well, this explains it:
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
The pasta is now
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.