There are usually two types of merchants.
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First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.