Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
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Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
[on my way back to the posting caves]
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
I don’t know what to do
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.