I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
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Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.