Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
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For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
*seductively eats two tums*
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
Husband of the year 😂
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.