“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
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Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
It’s actually Dr. whatever
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it