Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
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Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
craving $300 all of a sudden
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok