JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
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“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
Chicken bread
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
I’m about to risk it all
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.