Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
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I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign