[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
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I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.