*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
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1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
What an awful time to have common sense.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return