WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
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If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up