[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
You Might Also Like
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
Nothing.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due