People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
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Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No