My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
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You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
favorite tropes as memes
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣