My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
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Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
the Monday after daylight savings
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
Time heals everything 🙂
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.