No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
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since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
Jokes on them. I took 10.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”