I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
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If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL